~~ The Utter Terrain ~~

"It Ends Tonight"

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.

~~THE ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS

hello readers.

So many things happened lately ..i dont have any idea where to begin. i would like to start with my neverending complains about my job ..yep, My RHB job,,but in case people from there accidentally browse thru my blog,, i wud definitely get my a** fired– for gossiping. at least i’m good enough for better reason, like blow up the photocopy machine and such.

Anyway.. My convo was last week. There were happy and sad times. Emotions were all mixed up. My mak and kak Shima was there. My friends were there. My good friends were there..my very very good friends were there.. all my special people were there. Just couldnt stop wishing my apak was there too. For a second I wish he would appear out of thin air. Just a flash of his familiar soothing smile, i said that would be enough. i know how wrong and inappropriate to even think  about it. for a second,,just one second, i wished that. Even more sad when my mak cried. it was hers and my dad’s dream to go together for my degree convo since they couldnt make it for my diploma.

8th November was my ‘hari gelap’. his birthday. it wasnt like he made such a big deal on birthdays but I do.. i so love to see him dancing in his pelikat singing his own version of birthday song. How I miss him. I had dreams on Ramadhan of how it would be like to go thru Hari raya without him. three times I remembered, and all was heartbreaking. but when the real hari raya came– it was even sadder and even more heartbreaking than I could ever imagine. You see, it is bad enough when u have to deal with your own pain.. but even worse when u see the crying face of the people you care. When things like this happen, there is this stage where u become surprise yourself to discover how much it hurts you when you see the people you love dealing with the same sadness. Some things that happen in dramas, actually happens in real life too.

I succumb to His fate. it is all His doings, who am i to wish otherwise. i just need time to adapt. i am moving on and try to patch this empty feeling which I could best describe as a hole in my heart (however cliche that sounds). it wasnt ez. When i am happy–I’m happy..but every now and then it wud start with a crack, then it wud open a gap, and then it floods. I guess it’s normal.

Just thinking of sharing few things in this blog that I wont say out loud. I feel weak if I speak out. So word sometimes speaks louder than actions. I am hanging on. That’s what important. I’ve got all I need here, more than I could ever wish. So-yes, I’m good.